I am not OK

I am writing this on behalf of thousands of people, particularly the humanitarian workers around the world, who are not perfectly ok. Many of us are tired, angry, disappointed, frustrated and experiencing hopelessness and helplessness like never before.

With the climate crisis on the rise and more high impact disasters happening all over the world, the humanitarian community is working overtime. Many people are physically tired and have no time to rest. Covid too has had direct and indirect toll on our bodies and minds. And let’s not forget the life continues at personal level too with its ups and downs.

In addition, there are several armed conflicts going on the world today e.g. Ethiopia, Ukraine, Sudan, the Middle East to say a few. Every war, small or big, causes unnecessary human suffering. The closer one is to the war, the more horrifying experiences. Individual suffering cannot be compared between wars. Every mother feels the same intensity of pain when her child is killed regardless of the context. There’s no war that is reasonable or justified. This article does not in any way tries to undermine the horrors happening in other war theaters in different parts of the world. 

However, what we are witnessing in the Middle East is beyond anything we have seen in our lifetimes. I would have never imagined that after all the hard lessons the world learned from the holocaust, we would find ourselves in a similar situation again. All the humanitarian systems and laws seem to be failing one by one. Unfortunately, as a secondary impact, anti-Semitism and Islamophobia are on the rise in other parts of the world putting our Jewish and Muslim brothers and sisters at risk. Hate seems to be taking over love and peace.

The statistics related to human suffering are harrowing. We have lost over 25 thousand children right in front of our eyes and many more are being killed either by bombing or by starvation! Humanitarian workers, journalists, and civilians are being slaughtered with no accountability. As a humanitarian worker to see my colleagues being killed while delivering the mission on both sides hurts in a peculiar manner. 

Politically, I am neutral, so I don’t take sides in a conflict. However, I stand firm on the side of humanity and strongly condemn the repeated violations of the International Humanitarian Law and the basic human rights of the people on both sides. Our brothers and sisters from all sides have demanded ceasefire but those in power seem to have lost sight of what is right for their own interests in the long run.

It is extremely difficult to watch the ongoing horrific madness. I acknowledge our pain is nothing compared to those who are waiting for their family members to return from Hamas control or those who are seeing their family members being killed by Israeli forces for months. Our pain is just there and swelling up a bit more every day in our broken hearts.

We may look ok and we might be participating in all the activities as normal but deep inside we are not ok. I personally feel physically and mentally tired. I often tear up thinking about what is going on. Since the leaders of this world have been gravely disappointing, I look to God for answers. My mentors have encouraged me to focus on what is my role amid the agony of humanity instead of worrying about the things I cannot control.

As humanitarian workers, what is our role? Our role is to alleviate suffering. And the hardest part in this war is that most of us cannot assist. We cannot go and embrace the jarred souls, we cannot bring hope to them, we cannot share a meal with dignity with the starving people, we cannot offer a safe place where they can rest peacefully and that we cannot tell them that this will be over soon.

I feel my role is also to speak for my colleagues who are not ok but have to go on living life because they are not directly involved in the war. My colleagues, including my husband who is a humanitarian as well, and I often share our frustrations, disappointments, and sadness with each other. One of my colleagues told me that he wept for an hour after listening to Hind’s, a little girl who was bombed, last interaction with the Red Crescent personnel. Another colleague from Sweden shared that she couldn’t hold her tears as she watched protest in Stockholm. Another colleague who reached out about his heightened concerns about the rise in anti-Semitism in the US and how school buses are removing Jewish names to circumvent attacks on the children. I am grateful my leadership who not only checks in with me regularly but also gives me the space and grace to embrace how I exactly feel. I hope more and more leaders share the same compassion with their team members.

My dear friends and colleagues, let us acknowledge our feelings and take time to care for each other and for ourselves even though it may feel useless or petty in front of the misery of the people experiencing the war. Let us take breaks to rest, go for walks, eat balanced diets on regular intervals, exercise, sleep well, pray/meditate/reflect and prioritize our wellbeing. Let us also support each other, look for signs of stress and burnouts in our colleagues, remind them of self-care gently, create a safe space for them to share their feelings, and normalize self-care in workplaces!  Let us be ready to serve and to heal wounds when the time comes! In the end, peace will prevail!